Dam Scuttling Spiders
by l7986
Summary: Tali is feeling a little self conscious and wants to know what attracted Shepard to her. Mentions of spiders and Jack/Miranda romace. Set after ME3. Enough time has passed for the Citadel to be rebuilt so... yea. Bumped the rating up to M for some language.
1. Chapter 1

**So Mistress Tali has me at in at a roadblock. While I have a chapter typed out, its just way to extreme for this site, and after editing it down, I'm like why even bother. So I offer this while I try to write something that wont get Mistress Tali pulled from this site.**

* * *

Shepard could feel the tension in Tali's body as they lay there in bed. He knew something had been wrong all day, but until now he never had a chance to ask what was bothering her. Placing an arm around her stomach, he pulled her closer and placed several kisses along her shoulder, slowly tracing his way towards the base of her ear.

"Tali what's wrong?" he murmured. Inwardly Tali cursed as Shepard stopped kissing her and rested his head on her shoulder. He had always been able to read her, even when she wore her suit. She loved the fact that he was always able to tell when something was wrong, but she also disliked it because it meant she could barely keep a secret from the man.

"Nothing…" she already knew she was going to tell him what was bothering her, but Tali was going to make the bosh'tet work for it.

"So it's going to be like that?"

"I guess so."

In a flash Shepard had Tali in his arms as he picked scooped her out of bed and started walking towards the bathroom. "JOHN!" she squealed, "JOHN PUT ME DOWN!" He finally listened as he turned back towards the bed and placed her back where she had been laying.

Taking the initiative while she was busy getting comfortable again, Shepard began to tickle her feet, the result was his Quarian wife squirming around in bed trying to get away from him. Finally he grew tired of trying to pin her feet down, and moved back to his spot and pulled Tali closer to him, he didn't even notice how he held her tightly against him.

Tali did notice how his arm was pressed tight into her stomach, as if someone was trying to take her from him. "What was it that first attracted you to me?"

Shepard heard the question and immediately he knew the source of the problem. Earlier in the day they had been eating lunch on the Citadel at some fancy restaurant on the Presidium. A couple Asari maidens had brazenly walked up and asked slipped him their address and a time to show up.

While Tali had said nothing, it hurt her deeply that the Asari hadn't even noticed, and if they did… Tali took several deep breathes as she tried to calm down; she was hardly in the mood to explain why two Asari maidens had been shot in the chest and thrown into the Presidium lake.

"Your voice." Shepard's short reply came after a couple moments of thinking.

Tali didn't know if she should be offended or what. She knew dam well her hips had attracted their fair share of attention. "Really Shepard my voice?" she tried to keep the anger out of her voice, but Shepard picked up on it.

"Look Tali, of course the first thing I noticed about you was your…" he didn't say the words, but the sudden hand on her butt let Tali know what he was thinking. "Hell when we rescued you from Fists thugs I nearly ate a bullet because I was so busy staring at your butt."

Tali felt her cheeks start to burn up at the comment, but kept quiet as Shepard spoke. "Remember Noveria and how we had to fight through the Rachni."

"How could I forget, dam spiders, I hope they all burn."

"Remember what you said about the little ones?"

Tali thought for a moment until the comment came back, "I said I hated spiders, and how they always scuttle about." Tali didn't know what she said, but the sudden shudder from his body indicated something, hopefully good.

"Say it again…"

"Say what again?"

"The scuttling thing, say it again."

Tali didn't know why Shepard wanted her to say the word again, but what was the worst that could happen. "Scuttle…" again the Commander's body shuddered against hers.

"While you have an amazing body," again he squeezed her butt and even one of her breasts for added emphasis, "your accent and the way you say some words… when I heard you say scuttle on Noveria, I resolved to never rest until you were mine."

Shepard's words brought a smile to her face as she did her best to sink into his chest, "So when Ashley and Liara cornered you in the mess hall… and you said there was someone else that you were interested in?" Tali decided she wasnt below fishing for a compliment.

"It was you…" he whispered into her ear, "I just never figured out how I was going to ask you stay with me and not return to the fleet." She wanted to reply, but was cut off when Shepard spoke again, "Oh yea I forgot, Jack and Miranda are taking their daughter to Thessia for the weekend and they asked if we would watch Cassandra's pet tarantula, and I said yes."

Tali knew from the sound of his voice that Shepard was close to falling asleep, and true enough, when she responded he remained quiet. While she had no problems watching some ones pet, she still had no idea what a tarantula was. "Hopefully it's not a different breed of those stupid dogs he's in love with."

Picking up her suits helmet off the end table, Tali put it on and waited as it powered up. Finally as the helmet came online, she spoke a couple words, "Initiate search, Tarantula."

It took a moment for the picture to load, but from his place buried in the pillow, the high pitched scream coming from under the helmet brought an evil smile to his face. It was going to be hell sleeping on the couch for the next month, but it was totally worth it.


	2. Chapter 2

**Ok so I thought this was going to be just a one chapter story, but I read a story earlier tonight about Tali that made my stomach turn, so I decided to write out a second chapter to get my mind off of it, and this is what came out. Ideally this should only be two more chapters.**

* * *

Tali sat quietly in her chair listening to the conference call as Admiral Gerrel argued about something she couldn't care less about, the previous night with Shepard still fresh on her mind. She was furious he had even agreed to having a spider in the house, especially one as big as a dinner plate.

No, the worst part was that Shepard had gone and messed with her helmet. So when she had searched for an image of a tarantula, an extremely convincing 3d image popped out, nearly giving her a heart attack. To make matters worse, she had discovered her husband in tears as he tried to hide his laughs in his pillow.

A swift kick in the ribs had ended his laughs and began his exile to the couch, but had not softened her anger at the bosh'tet. To make it all worse, Shepard had been gone in the morning without as much as a goodbye.

'Well to hell with him' she thought as Gerrel's voice started growing louder, "Oh Han shut the hell up will you…" she belted out, losing her cool and storming out of the room, leaving a group of stunned admirals in her wake.

* * *

Shepard knew he had royally messed up the previous night, his two cracked ribs made it a point to remind him every time he took a breath. Sitting in a room with Councilor Tevos, he was barely paying attention as he thought about Tali's reaction.

He could deal with a kick in the ribs, but the pure ice on her voice as she told him to leave the room and not come back scared him more than Harbinger ever did. Shepard didn't even notice the lights being turned on, and it wasn't until Tevos actually shook him that he came back to reality.

"Something on your mind Shepard?" the councilor asked.

Normally Shepard would have told just shrugged and walked off, but his fight with Tali; if it could even be called that, had him rattled just enough that he decided to throw caution to the wind. "Yea actually there is."

The statement caught Tevos off guard, but she recovered quickly, "I'll help if I can."

Letting out a long sigh, Shepard spoke, "I messed things up bad with Tali last night," Tevos had to blink back the surprise, "She's terrified of spiders… like curl up in a ball and become an emotional wreck terrified. I may have played a prank on her last night and…" Tevos heard enough and raised her hand as a signal for him to stop talking.

"And you need my help in fixing things up?"

"Well yea…" Shepard said in a huff, "I mean if I want to listen to the best way to ram a stick up somebody's ass, Sparatus is the man… as much as I dislike the idea, you're the only person I can trust at the moment." Sure he could trust Garrus and everyone else from Normandy, but he wasn't really in the mood for people to give him shit about it. At least the councilor would remain discreet and just ask for him to make some people disappear.

"Well I think I can help…" the Asari Councilor replied, doing her best to hold back a laugh at Sparatus's expense, "When you leave speak to my assistant, she will have the details for a place that will definitely get you back on your wife's good side."

"Thank you…" he left the 'Madam Councilor' part off, hoping that Tevos would see that he was asking her as a friend.

"Don't worry Shepard… I'll send you a copy of what we discussed today, just make sure everything is ready by the end of next week." You didn't need to be a rocket scientist to hear the dismissal in her voice, so Shepard quietly got up and left, making sure to stop see what the assistant had for him.

* * *

Tali stood outside with Daro'Xen as they took a break from the daily Admirals meeting. She had hoped that getting a bit of fresh air, about as fresh as one could get with a helmet on, would calm her anger but so far nothing was helping.

"Something bothering you…" Xen ventured as they watched a Volus power parade waddle around the Presidium.

Her thoughts clouded by her anger, Tali made no effort to hide just how angry she was with her husband, "That dirty SON OF A BOSH'TET" the last part came out in a barely constrained yell. "He know's I can't stand spiders…" Xen remained quiet, but she was rather amused by the sudden outburst.

"I swear there are times I just want to…" Tali trailed off as she got a grip over her emotions.

"Well," Xen spoke up, "I know the perfect way to get back at him." Tali didn't answer, but her look at the older woman was all Xen needed to continue, "When my husband starts getting out of line," Xen married, the concept still shocked Tali, "just lure him to bed one night, get him thinking you're going to do the one thing he's always wanted… then tell him you have a headache and go to sleep."

It was so devious, yet made so much sense, "and Kal'Reegar is fine with you doing this…" Tali asked, not sure what to make of the most decorated Quarian Marine in history being held in check that way.

"Oh I'm most certain he is not," Xen laughed evilly, "but he knows what's good for him and doesn't voice his displeasure."

Relationship advice from Xen, 'four words I never thought I'd say' Tali thought as they stood up. "Well ready to get back to…" before she could finish, an Elcor carrying a bouquet of flowers walked up to her.

"With regret and sorrow: I am sorry for interrupting, but would you happen to be Tali'Shepard Vas Rannoch?"

"Err yes?"

"With barely contained glee: I bring to you a bouquet of roses from earth, a gift from your husband."

Taking the flowers from the elcor delivery man… boy… person, Tali inhaled deeply as she savored the scent. "Don't let the flowers sway you so easy Tali'Zorah," Xen chimed in from behind her, "follow my plan and Shepard will be putty in your hands, free to mold as you see fit."

Giving the Elcor a tip, Tali lost herself in the smell of the flowers as she mulled over Xen's advice, 'I guess it can't hurt.' The smell of the flowers clouded her senses as they made their way back to the meeting.

* * *

**Yea so Xen/Reegar romance, I so totally went there...**


	3. Chapter 3

"Thank you for calling the White Rose, my name is Naomi, how may I help you?"

"Yea I know this is extremely short notice, but would you happen to have a table for two open around 6:30?"

"Hmm" Shepard listened as the woman on the phone went over the reservations through the night. "I'm sorry sit but everything is booked up until the end of the month. If you give me your name I can reserve a table for you."

"Yea…" Shepard took a deep breath and counted to ten, he always doing this, "Commander Shepard." The line went dead as something hit the floor and people started panicking.

"Sorry sir, I'm the owner, it appears Naomi fainted before she could add your name to the waiting list."

"My name is Commander Shepard…" It had been a long time since he had been called Commander, most just called him Chief Spectre now, but the galaxy would forever know him as Commander.

"Oh my god Commander please forgive my employee, it seems a table has just opened up at 7pm tonight."

"Thank you sir… Have a nice day." Shepard disconnected the call and prepared to send Tali a message.

* * *

Tali  
Got reservations at a place called the White Rose for 7pm. Going to go buy myself something that will make it look like I belong there, if you can't find anything to wear, buy whatever you want.  
Love  
Shepard

* * *

It was almost 7pm and Shepard was beginning to worry that Tali was angry enough to blow him off. So he resumed a habit he had picked up during the war, pacing back and forth as he wore a hole into the ground.

"Come on pussy" he mumbled to himself, "You know she's angry at you. It's just like the time you got drunk and felt up Admiral Raan." Shepard rubbed his neck as he paced in a circle trying to think of reasons why Tali wasn't there.

He was so lost in thought that he didn't notice Ms. Al-Jilani until she started asking her question, "Commander Shepard…" she yelled out, "Commander is it true that you only married Tali'Zorah as a way to get back at…" Khalisah never got to finish her statement as Shepard let loose a head butt that would make Wrex flinch.

"You're never going to learn are you…" Shepard looked at the hover cam that had caught the entire scene, "I've had enough of this shit." He pulled out the silenced Paladin that he kept on him at all times and shot the camera.

* * *

Tali had been walking up as she heard Khalisah yell a question, specifically mentioning her name, and she knew immediately that the question was aimed at Shepard. Turning the corner, all she saw was the reporter fall to the ground bleeding from the nose and her husband shooting her camera.

She couldn't care less about the reporter who was being helped up by a couple nervous onlookers. It had been the same story since the end of the war, crazy insane reporter asks Shepard why he married a Quarian, and Shepard responding with a punch to the face. Up until a couple months ago, it had been an almost weekly occurrence.

Placing her hand on her unmasked face, Tali tried her best to look angry as she walked up to Shepard, who had resumed his pacing. "Nice punch bosh'tet…"she failed miserably in her attempt to hide the growing smile on her face.

* * *

"Nice punch bosh'tet…" Shepard stopped in his tracks as he felt a wave of relief wash over him. Turning around he felt did his best to not drool at the sight of his wife.

"Tali…" it was all he could say as he brought a hand to her face. The smile that was on her face disappeared as the unspoken question floated in the air.

"Of course it's safe," she replied, "it has been for years, I just wanted to surprise you tonight." Shepard took this as his queue to look at the dress Tali was wearing.

The dress was a light shade of purple that went down to her feet, and had a slit that came up to just above her knee. While it was plain in design, it was obvious that the material was expensive, "Wow," it was all Shepard could say as he took Tali by the arm and they started walking towards the restaurant.

"You like it?" Tali asked.

Shepard remained quiet as he stopped Tali and looked at her again, "It's per…" he stopped suddenly as the light from the restaurant hit the dress just right, letting him catch a glimpse of what was underneath. "A partially see through dress…" Shepard shuddered at what this could mean for tonight, since Tali ever only wore something like this when sex was all but assured.

"So…" Tali ventured.

It was an effort for him to peel his eyes away from the sight of her legs struggling to make themselves known to the world, "I… I… how did I ever get lucky enough to have such a beautiful woman as my wife?"

Tali was satisfied with the answer, and in her head she was beaming with pride at the fact that Shepard couldn't help ogling her like he had done when they first got together all those years ago, but she had to stay in character if she was going to follow Xen's advice.

* * *

It had been rather easy for them to get to their table as the crowd of people had parted ways for the savior of the galaxy. After the waitress had run off to get their drinks, Tali decided that since Xen was probably insane, she was going to just wing it.

"What's wrong?" Shepard asked when he noticed Tali looking around nervously.

"Haven't you noticed John," she replied quietly, "No one is giving me dirty looks. What if they find out I'm a Quarian, will they throw us out if they do?"

"Tali stop…" Shepard said sternly enough for her to lock her eyes on his, "People's racism may not have died with the Reapers, but if any of these assholes so much as thinks about throwing you out…" the hard edge to his voice told her what he was going to say, even if he trailed off. "Besides at a quick glance, most people wouldn't be able to tell a Quarian apart from a human… and you would make a very sexy human."

The Admiral stifled a groan at the lecherous tone her husband's voice took but decided to play along, "and what would you do to this very sexy human…" 'To easy' Tali thought as her seductive reply caused Shepard to choke on his newly delivered glass of wine.

"Careful Ms. Vas Normandy," he used a name she hadn't heard in almost fifteen years. "The Normandy is docked not far from here; don't make me exercise my right as captain to take you and punish you in my quarters."

Tali shivered at the thought, as most punishments ended up with her in the shower rubbing her wet, soapy breasts… "Good evening Commander, Mrs. Shepard, can I take your order."

'Bosh'tet' Tali thought as she took a long drink of her wine.

* * *

**Not very happy with this chapter. Since I'm actually awake and not about to fall asleep this chapter just feels kind of off. Oh yea to all the husks in ME3 mp, I hope you die in a god dam fire.**


	4. Chapter 4

'Come on Shepard let's dance.' The words still echoed in his head as Shepard walked Tali through a version of the Tango. 'Fuck me why did I let it slip that I was the 5th Fleet 18 and under ballroom dancing champion.'

Anyone that wasn't blind could tell that their dancing was an atrocity that would rank with some of the worst war crimes in history, all though neither Shepard or Tali could care less, as each was to lost in a drunken stupor of stumbling around and feeling each other up.

"Seriously a Quarian…" a voice from behind Shepard whispered just a little to loudly, "If you're the savior of the galaxy and all you can manage in one of those things…" Tali was blissfully unaware of what was being said, but Shepard with his cyberneticlly enhanced hearing was quickly losing his temper.

"I know right," came the voice of an Asari, "He must have a thing for…" she never got to finish the words as a vice like force tightened around her throat.

Everyone on the dance floor quickly rushed off as Shepard stood there holding the woman in the air by her throat. "Got something to say princess…" the head of the Spectre's asked in a tone that could snap freeze an ocean.

The woman said nothing as her feet flailed around in the air as she did her best to escape. "Let her go you asshole!" a blonde woman ran up and slapped Shepard in the face. The only noticeable effect was that suddenly, a very irate Quarian chopped the blonde in the throat, dropping her like a sack of bricks.

"I'm going to ask you one more time and I'll do it slowly so you can understand," Shepard lowered the woman down until he was face to face with her, "Is there a problem with me celebrating my anniversary with my wife."

Tali froze at the comment, 'Keelah it was their anniversary and she had forgotten… Well maybe he can punish me in the shower when we get back." There was always a silver lining to everything, Tali knew she would end up enjoying this silver lining a lot.

"No… no sir… no problem…" the Asari gasped as Shepard dropped the woman to the ground. Seeing that Shepard's attention had been turned elsewhere, the Asari chose that moment to pick up her bondmate and flee the restaurant.

"Sir I'm going to have to ask you to leave…"

* * *

Tali wanted to be angry at Shepard for getting them thrown out of the restaurant, but with the alcohol in her system and the fact that she got to listen to Shepard yell, Tali was in heaven as Shepard carried her back home.

"I like it when you yell…" Tali mumbled softly as her head rested on his shoulders, "Remind me to…" Shepard smiled as a light snore reached his ear. He was glad to be approaching the Normandy as his arms started to ache, and no matter how much he tried, Shepard was sure he was going to drop Tali soon.

* * *

Tali finally woke up as she felt Shepard gently place her on their bed, "home so soon?" she asked as she began to wake up.

"Well not really," Shepard replied, "the Normandy was within walking distance, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy having your butt in my hands." This earned Shepard a pillow tossed at him as Tali sat up.

"And I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy the feeling of your hands on my butt."

"I thought you were asleep?"

"John let me tell you something," Shepard leaned in closer, "I'm not that drunk… was too lazy to walk so I just acted like I was."

"So a Quarian Admiral using her authority to get a human to carry her around…" he replied, "just think of the scandal this will cause."

Tali snorted in laughter as she imagined Zal'Koris's lecture on the abuse of power, "Hey John," his attention was caught immediately at the seductive tone Tali's voice took.

"Hmm"

"I've got something else to tell you," she curled a finger, signaling him to come over. "You know that thing you've always wanted to try…" he knew immediately what she was getting at, and before he had leaned over completely, Shepard was out of his clothes.

"I can't wait to see what you have in mind, Mrs. Shepard."

* * *

Wilbur the Tarantula was not in a very good mood as he watched from the dim tank he called home. He had just been laying there, watching the fish when two people he didn't recognize stumbled into the room. Originally he had been hoping it was the perky redhead bringing more food to him, but alas it was just his jailor and a Quarian.

'Oh a Quarian…' not that any of these two legged infidels would know until it was too late, but Wilbur had a basic understanding of the English language, so when the girl known as Cassandra had mentioned that Quarians had a natural fear of spiders, Wilbur filed that information away for a later date.

"I need to use the little Spectre's room," if Wilbur had the ability, he would face palm at the comment, "you just get undressed and I'll be back in a minute." As the human left, Wilbur decided that if he was going to rule the galaxy one day, he needed to know of a way to subdue certain races. The Quarian getting undressed on the bed was a perfect subject to experiment on.

Able to sneak out of his glass prison unnoticed, Wilber began scuttling towards the now nude Quarian, 'Time to begin my reign of terror.'

* * *

"Oh John…" Tali moaned as she felt the unshaven texture of Shepard's face on her stomach. As Wilbur started crawling forward, Tali began to squirm as he moved over her breasts, "mmm please don't stop…" she moaned in frustration as Shepard's unshaven face tickled her chin.

"Tali" Shepard's voice called out as he exited the bathroom, "Who are you talking to?"

'SHIT SHIT SHIT" Wilbur yelled in his tiny spider brain, 'Well fuck I'm dead.' Realizing he was most likely going to die very soon, Wilbur the Tarantula bared his fangs and tried to strike a pose.

"What are you talking about you bosh'tet, I'm talking to you…"

"No you're not," Shepard replied, "I'm still in the bathroom brushing my teeth."

"Well if I'm not talking to you…" when Tali opened her eyes, her heart stopped as she looked into the eyes of the eight legged Satan. "SHEPARD!" she screeched, causing the man to rush out of the bathroom.

The last thing Wilbur saw as he impacted the wall was the sight of a nude Quarian woman in hysterics as her entire body shook in fear. Before he could think about what he had just found out, the world went black.


End file.
